You ever notice how an office can run million-dollar budgets, handle confidential data, coordinate statewide operations—but somehow cannot spell the word “schedule”? People in offices don’t spell it, they attempt it. Every email looks like they were guessing on Wheel of Fortune. “Schedual.” “Schudle.” One guy wrote “Skedge.” That man is in charge of payroll.
And nobody corrects it because we all fear the Reply All. The last person who corrected grammar in a company-wide email just disappeared. HR absorbed him. He’s filed away in a cabinet labeled “T” for “Tone Problem.”
Every office also has that whiteboard where motivational phrases go to die. You know the one: “TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!!” Right next to it: “YOUR DOING GREAT!” No. No, we are not doing great. We are doing a cry for help using dry erase markers. And then, like clockwork, someone sneaks over and adds the apostrophe like they’re disarming a bomb. Punctuation ninjas. We see you. We appreciate your service.
And autocorrect? Not our friend. I once meant to type, “I’ll bring the folder.” My phone changed it to: “I’ll bring the flavor.” Now accounting thinks I sell spices out of my trunk. Someone else tried to type “public announcement.” It did not say public. And we all read it. And we all needed therapy afterward.
Then there’s the monthly company newsletter, written by someone who has not slept since 2019. It proudly announces a new initiative called “Proffesional Excellense.” I don’t know what the initiative is, but they have achieved neither professional nor excellence.
And the boss always sends that email: “We will have a mandatory meting Tuesday at 8am.” Not meeting. Not even vaguely meeting-ish. Meting. Like we’re forging medieval weaponry at dawn. And there’s always one employee who replies: “Do we have to come?” Yes, Jeremy. That’s what mandatory means. We learned this right after learning how to spell cat. Which the sign in the break room currently spells as K-A-T. The office cat quit. Even the cat had standards.
Look, none of us are perfect. We all type too fast. We all trust autocorrect too much. We all have sent an email that says “Thanks!” when we meant “I am dying inside.” But at least we can admit one thing: Spellcheck is the real boss. We’re all just here for the free coffee.
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